I like to consider myself a literary voyeur ...

The relationship between a writer and their book is a deep one; you spend years of your life writing it, thinking it is a masterpiece, and it becomes your baby. You love it, look after it, and protect it. And if it is criticized, you would be pretty pissed off. 


After all, it's your baby. You might not even consider that your baby is the ugly baby. Mine wouldn't be ugly. My book that is. Any who.


If I spent two years writing a book I would be pretty jazzed to get it out there and let the world read it. If I ever want people to read my book or have that Oprah Book Club sticker on it, I know what I would have to do.

With your heart and your baby on the line, I wouldn’t chance a traditional publisher shooting my baby down. If it was shot down, I would most likely fall into a deep depression and begin to only write dark poems, and the only time I would leave the house was to replenish my wine supply. I don’t want that to happen, so this is what I would do. I would print one copy and, and one copy only of my book and send it to the one person that really matters.

Ellen.

Yes, Ellen.

Let Ellen do it.

I poured my heart and soul into this book and I want it to be in the right hands and I want it done right the first time. Besides, everything Ellen touches turns into gold.

Ellen DeGeneres is one of the most influential people in North America I can think of, next to Oprah, Justin Bieber, or maybe Obama.  And if anyone could get my book published, Ellen could.

There are only two things I can think of that Ellen was bad at: liking men and being a judge on American Idol. The way I see it, I don’t think these will have a negative affect on my book.

This is what I would do. I would write Ellen a letter telling her how ridiculously amazing my book is, and she should give it a look. She will no doubt be just as jazzed about it as I am and will be so dazzled, she will talk about it on the show. At this point Ellen will be sufficiently jazzled and ask me on the show. Bada bing, bada boom, I’m on Ellen and my book is published. Unrealistic? Perhaps. Doable? Stranger things have happened. 

Things that would cross my mind (and Dave’s), if in fact I were sending Ellen my book:

1.) I like to consider myself a literary voyeur. I am sure Ellen will too.


2.) Imagining what the Oprah Book Club sticker would look like on the cover of my book.

3.) It worked for Bieber, why not for me? Ellen saw the video of him, had him on the show and he exploded. Granted, he was already partnered with Usher, and his video already was popular before the show, but he made his debut on her show and so will I.  My book will speak for itself. As long as I get the attention of Ellen, she will fly me to L.A. to be on her show. The rest will be history.

4.) I hope she doesn’t dance while reading this.

5.) And look at Greyson Chance. Ellen signed him to her label, why would she not publish my book? She’d be crazy not to. Well, he isn’t famous yet, but he could be.

6.) What if Ellen likes the book and Portia hates it? Maybe I will cause a marital squabble and become known as that girl who broke up the world’s most famous gay couple. Then I could write a book about that. 

7.) If the book thing doesn’t work, I will just make a video, then Ellen will sign me then. She loves music and loves dancing. 

Some samples of the greatness showcased on Ellen I mentioned above, in the form of prepubescent boys. This is Greyson Chance’s new video. He isn’t as cute as Justin Bieber, but he is legit a good singer, not for his age, just in general. Both of their music isn’t my cup of tea (which is Earl Grey by the way), but I can acknowledge that they are talented. And so am I, and that is why my book will be published by Ellen. That is if I wrote one.